taking the edge off

I tried cocaine for the first time last night. It was pretty fun and made me instantly happy/numb and I couldn’t feel sad. I just wanted to hold cats and crunch bags and dance and swim. I was with my 2 girl friends in the privacy of their house. I liked it. It lasted maybe 1 1/2 hours and then I wanted to go to sleep. I slept 5 solid hours, rolled around for 2 feeling hot and cold, THEN,

these fucking crazy anxious dreams started. Realllly anxious and bad. I woke up kind of in a panic, and my sheets were a lil wet with sweat. 

TW: rape

The dream started with KB gave me her nieces to drive to their grandfather’s house except they had crazy sewn on doll lips and eyes which were explained as a condition they had. I meet their grandpa on the side of a state road, pass them off. I drive to this costume party inside a thrift store and a lot of people are trying on weird stuff and are sort of disguised. Everyone seems happy to see me at this time. At some point I run into my ex and he’s like “Don’t get it twisted, sister. We broke up and I don’t love you anymore” and that was weird/sad. I drive and pick up this guy who forces himself into the car and rapes me. I drive home, which in the dream is my grandmother’s house, and he finds me there and threatens/roughs me up. I go back to the party where I see my old boss who’s like a good ole boy and I tell him to “take care of the guy” if he comes to the party and he’s like of course. The guy comes to the party and my old boss proceeds to beat him up and everyone’s like what the fuck? and I’m like that dude raped me, and some people believe me and some don’t. Later when everyone is leaving the party, the beat up dude is like, you’re taking me home right? and I’m like no. And the dude’s friends were like, hey, he didn’t do this to you! Then I go to my car and they vandalized it, scratched things into the upholstry and dash, and just overall fucked it up. I look further and I see that the dudes injured body is slumped in my car like a sick joke. 

I go back inside and everyone is making fun of me, pulling apart my costume (which was a matching lady gaga esque/burlesque costume that matched 2 of my friends similar costumes) and I’m like you guys, you don’t even know what he did to me. The people at the party are like yea yea ok, we’re leaving. I look out the window to see my boss’s truck being crashed into, my car being driven down the road, and crashed into a house. I see all of the people from the party spill out of both cars and run away.

I go home to my parents to explain the whole thing and my Mom is like oh I was at that party and got a tattoo. And I’m like, you guys aren’t even listening. It was a really stressful dream.

I woke up today and took my 30 mg dose of Citalopram and sort of meditated a little. Going through this break up, this sort of life change, is weird. Today I resolve to try and feel better. I’m going to stop wallowing, and focus forward. 

I think that my medicine in part made me indifferent and content to the fact that my boyfriend was ignoring/preferring the company of his friends to me.

I think I was happy to have someone I had to make the minimal effort to contact and be supported by. I felt comfort to find a missed call by him. I saw that as enough.

I think the fact of the matter was that I didn’t want to make a lot of effort either.

I loved him as a person, and I loved the time we got to spend together, and the sex was pretty good. His love and affection was very genuine. I will miss that. I will miss hanging out with him, and talking to him. I agree that he needs to get his life right and so do I.

In part I’m sad and mad that I didn’t see it coming, and that I didn’t do the breaking up. But I was ok with our situation, in a very apathetic way.

Maybe this was the wake up call I needed.

Although I lamented on the phone when we spoke, and pleaded that we try to make it work or to revisit it after summer, I don’t see us getting back together. I don’t see it working. Although I had fantasies of moving in together and things like that, we were never near that and I realize that now. He never wanted that. He’s still very much a boy, in a young punk boy world.

I want someone who has the excitement and passion of a young punk boy with the values of a man. I want that man with the drive for a career, even if it doesn’t make a lot of money. I want to grow with someone, not just be content beside them. I want to be active and strong.

I’m sad, but writing this is helping me process my feelings. I haven’t taken my medicine yet today. My doctor prescribed a couple weeks ago that I up my dose to 30mg. I tried it one day and felt kind of high, in a numb bad way. I think I’ll stick to 20mg throughout the summer. I was also prescribed a birth control pill but I guess I don’t really need that now.

I have a hang out day planned with a friend who’s a boy on Thursday night or Friday day. I don’t really see it as romantic and I’m 90% sure he doesn’t think it is either. It’s just nice to have some dude attention to distract the sad mind.

Had some nightmares last night about death, walking dead, taking extascy, my parents having sex, being in a fun house, being in a block party on my street and a bunch of crazy punk kids show up and trash it in a fun way, then they trash my house and keep me awake in my dream and I wake up and a lot of them are dead or sick or wrapped in plastic wrap or can’t sleep. My lips have also been numb off and on again.

weight loss

I have lost 9 pounds since being on this medication, and 21-25 pounds in the past 6 months. I am fitting in a (stretchy) pair of size 8 jeans and I feel really good. I have been wearing a bikini when I garden, and feeling overall very comfortable in my body. I have always been a pretty open and comfortable person about my body no matter what my size, but I think when I first started taking this stuff I wasn’t as happy with myself in general.

I have apprehensions about going away for the summer because every time I do (I’ve had a seasonal job the past 2 years) I gain this weight back due to inactivity and poor diet. I also am nervous to be even further away from my boyfriend, but we will try to see each other in the middle of the 2 months if I go.

Been taking this stuff for almost 3 months and I’m getting the numb lip and tongue feeling again!

Weird.